A Modest Proposal

for preventing the meat industry from being a burden to our moral sensibilities and solving the ethical omnivore’s dilemma

cw: cannibalism, descriptions of violence

As noted satirist Taylor Swift points out, “We’ve got bad blood, you know we’ve got bad blood.” She was of course referring to the agriculture industry, which yeah, has lots of “bad blood”. For ethical omnivores, this presents a dilemma. On the one hand, animal products such as eggs or milk or meat can only be obtained through the prolonged suffering and early death of that animal and most people will agree that prolonged suffering and early death is something to be avoided as much as possible. On the other hand, meat from an animal has a very particular taste and texture that is difficult to obtain in any other way.

To avoid animal products would involve a certain amount of inconvenience and, furthermore, would mean missing out on this particular taste and texture and mouthfeel. A dilemma indeed! Most people get past it by eating those things, but feeling a little bit bad about it. This works, in that most people don’t die, but feeling bad kind of sucks.

Well, I’ve got a solution! My plan – new kind of meat, if you will – will make it fully possible to continue producing and eating animal meat without experiencing any of the guilt experienced alongside the meal. This kind of meat is better on any dimension which the ethical omnivore might consider. The meat is found in abundance, and would completely reduce the need for factory farming. In fact, the animal in question is something of a pest and reducing it’s numbers would greatly reduce the drag on the environment. The meat would also be far more humane than current practices, both in terms of the lives lived by the individual and the method of killing required.

Observant readers will no doubt have guessed which animal I am referring to, it is of course the white human heterosexual cis man. Basically, I suggest we eat some white dudes. Here’s why.

Eating white dudes eliminates the need for factory farming

I think everybody can agree that factory farming is just unambiguously bad. For an in-depth discussion on just how bad and why, I recommend Jonathan Saffran Foer’s Eating Animals, or the common sense that says that if you put a bunch of individuals in a confined, cramped space and then kill them, they won’t have a fantastic time. With white dudes, we don’t need to do any of that stuff because white dudes are everywhere.

By my calculations, more than three million white dudes live in Sweden alone, and many times more than that can be found in the rest of Europe and the America. I mean, eventually I guess we’ll run out of white dudes, but right now they’re plentiful and since when has “eventually we’ll run out of it” ever stopped us from exploiting a resource? But yes, it’s true that day will come but, that would surely not be for at least a couple of years, and in that time, the practice of factory farming could be completely eliminated.

Killing white dudes would greatly reduce the drag on the environment

Proponents of hunting argue that shooting wild animals is necessary to keep their population in check so that they don’t run amok in the environment. Clearly, this is more true for white dudes than for any other species. Did I mention that white dudes are everywhere? They are!

Therefore, if any animal is in need of culling, it is humans. A reasonable objection at this point may be that white dudes represent only a small fraction of the population of humans. However, my counterargument is that by targeting white human males specifically, we may be getting rid of the most violent and destructive members of the species.

Men are disproportionately likely to be the cause of driving accidents, over-represented among violent offenders and most damningly, white dudes are much more likely to be CEOs or otherwise high-ranking members of large multinational corporations – the entities perhaps most responsible for CO2 emissions and for the devastation of the Earth. A targeted culling of the white dude population would therefore be sure to have significant benefit for the surviving members of the species. Therefore, although an ethical omnivore eating white dude meat may feel some guilt at being the indirect cause of another being’s death, they can rest safe in the knowledge that that death has ultimately increased the amount of good in the world.

White dude meat is humane

Furthermore, human meat is humane. Any ethical omnivore knows that killing an individual is acceptable as long as that individual has led a more or less happy life. In this aspect, white dude meat is superior to any other meat available on the market right now. Though they face certain restrictions in that they may not harm others (though these restrictions are pretty unevenly enforced, and do no apply to non-human animals), the overwhelming majority of white dudes are free to go about their lives as they wish.

This is in direct contrast to farmed animals in even the highest quality farms, who are still limited to enclosed spaces and kept indoors for most of the winter months. Furthermore, compared to other categories of human, white dudes are uniquely positioned to have good lives – they need not worry about being questioned on the basis of their identity, in fact society as a whole bends over backwards to cater to their needs. Therefore, if we are to choose meat based on whether the individual had a happy, fulfilling life, white dude meat is by far the superior option.

White dudes do not take up moral consideration

Lastly many people object to eating certain animals on the grounds that they possess specific qualities. In the case of dogs or cats, these qualities may be a certain sense of cuteness or playfulness. In any case, the ethical omnivore need not worry when it comes to white dudes, as very few white dudes have ever been called “cute”. So don’t worry. White dudes are generally quite ugly! Anyway, this principle is only ever unevenly applied, since I think baby lambs are plenty cute and people seem to eat those anyway. Also, as we eat more of them, I’m sure we’ll be able to overcome any residual attachment.

Another quality many people call a a dealbreaker is sense of morality. That is, if a being is able to reason and have morality then we shouldn’t kill it or eat. I don’t disagree with this argument completely. However, this is the beauty of white dudes. They are uniquely positioned to not have a good moral compass. Think about it. White dudes spend their whole lives sheltered from any kind of scrutiny, discrimination or constantly having their ideas, opinions and existence questioned simply because of who they are. It’s kind of inevitable, then, that their empathy and perspective taking muscles kind of atrophy. They begin to imagine themselves as ultimate rational and objective arbiters and feel justified in inserting themselves in the middle of any argument and annoying everyone. Try as the want to, they just can’t become good at morals, unlucky for them, lucky everyone else as unethical people can easily be turned into ethical meat!

White dude meat is meat!

Of course, all these considerations – factory farming, the environment, living a good life – they’re all important, but as any true ethical omnivore knows, there is one consideration that trumps all the others: Taste. This can be seen from how popular meat-free alternatives like beyond and impossible burgers are becoming. They sort of taste like meat and lots of people are eating them. It’s good that there finally there are options for people who don’t like suffering but are understandably unable to abstain that particular taste of meat, but I have been reliably informed that it is still possible to taste a difference.

But white dude meat is actually meat. There is no difference! Where meat-free burgers offer a rough approximation of the thing, white dude meat is literally meat! It tastes like meat, it looks like meat and smells like meat.

Now, I’ll be honest. I have not actually tasted white dude meat. And, uh, “what does human meat taste like,” isn’t exactly something I’d like to have on my google history. But come one. It’s meat. Of course it tastes like meat. It’ll be fine!

Conclusion

Eating meat is tough, especially if you have conscience. The taste and texture are fantastic, but killing and torturing individuals is bad! It used to be, the only solution to this problem were two bad options: Not eating meat, which is a small to moderate annoyance, or feeling bad. Well, no more, with my white dude plan. Admittedly, this doesn’t solve the problems associated with eggs and milk, which still require painful suffering and death, I’m still working on resolving that one. In the meantime, I’m sure all the important people are going to want to get on this straight away.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *